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Representative picture of the man having fun with his coworkers
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My boyfriend says it’s cultural, but I still feel uncomfortable. Am I overreacting?
My boyfriend and I have been together for over a decade. Recently, I attended a company retreat with him. Before the trip, he unexpectedly told me he wanted to start separating work and personal life and didn’t really want me attending future retreats, which felt odd since my family was also going.
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While there, I noticed a couple of his female coworkers were very warm and affectionate with him. They complimented him, teased him, touched his arm and shoulder, and seemed especially excited whenever he was around. Nothing was obviously inappropriate, but it felt flirtatious to me.
Seeing that made me wonder if his sudden desire to keep me away from future retreats had anything to do with enjoying that attention. When I brought it up, he reassured me that nothing was going on and said their behavior is mostly cultural. -
An image representative of the landscape that the husband from this story and his coworkers see every day
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A couple of things to notice here are: the urgency to 'separate family from business' coming straight out of the blue, and the boyfriend's refusal to acknowledge that the girl's insecurities might (just might) be spot on. Also, separating family from business should imply getting another job, as that job was DIRECTLY provided by his girlfriend's family. Anyways, I digress, it was probably silly to dismiss the whole conversation by attributing the coworkers' behavior to cultural mannerisms, but taking into consideration that the couple has been together for 12 years, it's also understandable that one or both parties 'fight' for their private space, especially if they don't truly believe their coworkers are going after them.
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A beautiful tropical vista.
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We always have the right to keep some information private, as long as we are not actively cheating on our loved ones or breaking our word with them, and long-term relationships do have a way of mining every private space we own. Our partners are not our owners in the end, and to trust is to let others be free, assuming they have our best interest at heart. If they fail at this, it's our responsibility, not theirs, to pack our bags and pick up the pieces, but we certainly can't coerce someone else into being loyal to us. That said, it is mindful to compromise some freedom in the name of love, but how much? For how long?
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I recognize that could be true, but I still felt uncomfortable and found myself pulling back from those coworkers. Even afterward, one of them seemed unusually excited whenever he was around, which only added to my doubts.
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So I’m curious what others think:
Is “please don’t flirt with my partner in front of me” a reasonable boundary?
And if cultural differences are involved, how do you tell the difference between genuine flirting and a social style you’re simply not used to?
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Apart from the philosophical contemplation of it all, generally speaking, if your boyfriend is abruptly leaving you aside, it probably means something negative is happening, and sooner or later, someone will be pushed into opening that can of worms. I know it might sound negative, and nobody seems to want to do it these days, but opening cans of worms is the first step to cleaning them! Plus, they're very good for the soil!
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