- 01
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AITA for refusing to be everyone's driver, even though my friends were already counting on me to do it?
"Last sunday I had a day out with my old friends. We had a dinner, then went to bar to play board games and those who wanted could have a drink.
A day before our meeting someone in group chat asked how everyone was getting to the spot. I wrote that I was driving myself bc I live pretty far away and had an appointment early next morning. I didn't say I'd be driving anyone home. I just said I'd be driving there and mentioned my appoitment.
At bar, I only drank soda because I was driving. Around midnight, one friend said it's good that i'm driving everyone home tonight. I though he was joking. I said sorry, but i'm driving myself."
- 02
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Finding out that someone has made a generous decision on your behalf, announced it to a group of people, and left you to either honor a commitment you never made or be the person who ruined the evening, would make a scandal, is not exactly my dream hangout scenario. Sometimes a friend puts you in such a weird spot that you don't even feel angry. It's something more precise than that. It's the feeling of watching your own autonomy get quietly borrowed and handed out without your knowledge, and then being asked to just go along with it because everyone's already counting on you now. And I don't know about you but sometimes, it takes a lot to shut down the people pleaser that lives in me, Luckily this woman stood her ground and didn't let the people pleaser come out.
She mentioned, in a group chat, that she was driving herself to dinner because she lives far away and had an early appointment the next morning. A simple, informational statement. Not an offer. Not a volunteer form. Just logistics.
Her friend heard "I'm not drinking" and apparently translated that into "available to drive the entire group home across town at midnight." Without asking. Without checking. Without any conversation whatsoever. Just announced it to several people as a confirmed plan and let the evening proceed accordingly.
The moment of discovery came at midnight when one friend casually mentioned how great it was that she'd be driving everyone home. She thought it was a joke. It was not a joke. It was a fully operational assumption that had been running in the background all evening while she sat there completely unaware.
- 03
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"It got awkward. It turned out that a friend had told a few people that I definitely wasn’t drinking and could drive everyone home because it’s on his way anyway. But that wasn’t true. Two of them lived in a completely different direction, and if I were to drive everyone, it would take over an hour and half for sure. I also had an early appointment in the morning.
They started saying that rideshares are expensive right now, their phones were almost out of battery and I could at least help out. I said I could wait with them while they called for rides, take two people who really live near me, but I wouldn’t be driving the whole group around town. I also polity explained the reasons why."
- 04
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What she did next was, by any reasonable measure, generous. She didn't just say no and leave. She explained her situation calmly. She offered to wait with everyone while they called rideshares. She drove home the two friends who actually lived near her. She helped the others order cars and stayed until every ride arrived. She did all of this while also being the person who had been volunteered without consent and was now somehow the villain of the evening.
Her friend's response was that she'd made her look stupid. Which is an interesting position to take when you are the person who made plans using someone else's availability without confirming it first.
The line she landed on is exactly right: you don't build a safety plan around someone who wasn't asked. Being sober is not the same as being a service. Choosing not to drink for your own reasons, an early morning, a long drive home, a personal preference, does not automatically transfer your evening into someone else's logistics.
She helped everyone get home safely. She just did it on her own terms. I think that's not ruining the night. That's having a boundary.
- 05
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"The friend who told everyone this got angry and said I was making her look stupid now. I replied that you don’t build a safety plan around someone who wasn’t asked.
In the end, I drove two friend home who as I said live just five minutes away from me and helped the others order rideshares and waited until the cars arrived.
Now that friend says i ruined the end of night and could have just helped out since I was sober anyway. Tbh I would like to help them, but i had an early work appointment next day and a bit upset that my decision not to drink was turned into a public service without my consent.
AITA?"
- 06
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NTA. In fact you helped your friends.
You stayed sober, drove 2 people who were convenient to, helped others to get their drives and even waited together with them.
That's not running the night, that's you being resposible while refusing to be taken advantege off.
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NTA. Your friend made promises without running them by you and relied on you being a pushover. Anyone who piled on is also an a*shole.
Good on you for standing your ground.
If they double down after the fact I'd tell them so, if they apologise I'd let it go.
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NTA. Isn't it funny how rideshares are expensive yet they have money to go out to dinner and drinks? If they were expecting you for a ride, they should have asked IN ADVANCE and not put you on the spot later. Your friends kind of s*cks.
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NTA
She's not mad because she f*cked up, or you said no... She's mad because "YOU made her look stupid"
She ran her mouth. She chose to spread misinformation. She figured you'd be on the spot and have to. She made it seem like she talked to you and arranged to get them home, save them from ride shares, taxis, and secured them going out with her. She refused to take accountability and chose to vilify you.
None of that is your fault. You did nothing. You were innocent. If anything you should be mad at her. Not only for all of the above... but because she still managed to make YOU responsible to see everyone into their taxis/rideshares/etc before you could leave. You still had to drive people home.
Everyone left scrambling should be mad at her. Not you. She should feel embarrassed and learned a lesson, instead of being mad and focused on vilification of anyone but her. She should be apologizing to everyone.
I'd never go out with them again. It's not worth it.
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NTA - I don't drink either. Just because I don't, doesn't mean I'm your servant. Basic human decency would've been so simple here, but because it was omitted, there are problems.
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NTA
Their failure to plan (or ask) is not your emergency.
Pretty entitled to think they could force/guilty you to be their Uber.
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NTA. That's exactly why people need to ask instead of assuming something in their heads. Your friend turned your personal choice not to dr*nk into everyones ele's transportation plan.
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NTA. If you didn’t specifically say you would be the designated driver, you shouldn’t be voluntold to do so.
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Whoever this “friend” that told others you’d drive is no friend at all.
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NTA. Your friend made herself look stupid.
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I find it interesting that transportation is expensive until they don’t feel like they have to pay for it. 🤔
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