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28-year-old couple stands their ground as friend keeps asking them to cover her travel costs every time she visits and stays over: 'It just doesn’t feel right to be billed every time'

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  • A woman drives with focus and confidence, hands steady on the wheel.
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  • Reposted from AITAH To cut a long story short, our (M28 and F28) friend (F28) has been asking us to pay 2/3 of her petrol/train costs whenever she comes to visit us.
  • She will stay over one night - she doesn't let us pay for her food etc despite offering, but will eat/drink small things in the house.
  • Obviously she also showers, keeps heating on overnight etc. To be clear, I do not care about these costs or even have an idea what they add up to.
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  • But in my mind it must be costing us something to have her round. She says it's not fair that she's fronting the whole cost, hence why this is relevant.
  • We've had a back and forth over this for a year now. Originally we paid, but we started feeling it just wasn't right to be "billed" each every time she came.
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  • Smallest amount £10 each, largest amount £40 each. We asked for it to stop, and she originally agreed, but the discussions over it just have not stopped.
  • She's saying it is totally normal for us to pay towards her petrol costs, and not fair otherwise.
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  • We've never had this arrangement before. Other potentially relevant facts: 1. As a couple we do earn more than her, but she is not in serious financial difficulty or anything.
  • Her parents do help her out with money. 2. She mainly visits us because she's only just moved out of her parent's house/shared accommodation, and we have our own place.
  • A couple shares a warm, affectionate moment during a cozy dinner gathering with friends.
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  • Now she has her own flat we have already booked to go and see her. Genuinely don't know now if we are being unreasonable.
  • So what do you guys think?
  • MotherEastern3051 Hmm, if she is expecting you to pay towards her travel costs whilst also not offering to pay towards yours and your partners when you visit her, that is obviously unfair. Sounds like it might be a fair distance and expensive to travel between your two locations, so I can sort of understanding her thinking its unfair for her to shoulder all the travel costs if you never visit her. And I only say this as I have a similar thing with a particular friend, where it is always me visit
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  • MotherEastern3051 You're NTA but personally I'd give it some time and see how things pan out now that she has her own place. I do think its odd and r de to charge you some of her transport, but from her perspective if it's always her doing the travelling back and forth then I can see how she might rationalise it being fair to split those costs, which are more significant than a bit of water, cereal and electricity whilst staying at yours. Do you think the amount she is charging is legitimate and
  • Stonedagemj This one is hard because it's circumstantial. Like my friends aren't super well off so I don't usually ask for gas to go get them, so I guess I'm fronting all the cost. But I want to see my friends and they give when they can so it's not a big deal to me. But if I had a friend that demanded it or expected it I wouldn't be happy. I'm gonna go nah if she really can't afford it.
  • xLadyLaurax Then that's entirely up to her. Also, and correct me if I'm wrong, it seems like you guys not only live in the same country, but close enough that you work "near" her, yes? Like what kind of distance are we talking about here?
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  • NovaThread19 You're NTA but personally I'd give it some time and see how things pan out now that she has her own place.? One of those things that might be normal when you're 19 and students, much less so nearing 30. Go and visit her in her new place, don't mention anything about travel costs and when she next comes to stay with you see if she asks again.
  • A group of friends laugh and toast together during a sunny outdoor meal.
  • I_tend_to_overthink This whole situation is weird. She should pay travel when she comes to see you and you should pay travel when you go to see her. Everyone pays for their own food when out but you should be able to eat the snacks/coffee/tea and meals served at home (I doubt you go out for every meal). That's why people graciously host because people are paying to travel. Plus, it sounds like she's lonely so she needs to come see you. Friendship costs money if you choose to let it. You could al
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  • NTA xLadyLaurax I'm really confused about the whole situation. My family is originally from Croatia, but I was born and raised in Germany. I still went to Croatia to visit my Grandma and all the neighbour kids are my closest friends to this day. My grandma is no longer with us, but I still travel to Croatia to visit my friends. Never once in my life has it occurred to be, to ask them to pay for my flights? Admittedly, I also have my own place there but at the end of the day, she doesn't have to
  • Trace6x Did you invite her? Is it a situation where she's like 'oh I'd love to come but I'm I can't afford to'? In which case sure it's nice to offer to pay as a one off if the friendship is genuinely worth it. If this is a regular thing then yeah that's weird, NTA
  • Jen0507 NTA. And this isn't normal where I'm from or anywhere my friends or family are from. I've never paid for anyone to visit me nor have I requested money to visit others. I'm usually offering to cover gas if they drive me around, cover some groceries if they're feeding me and at the very least clean up after myself and offer a nice dinner if theyre letting me stay. Because its literally a burden to visit and stay with someone. I would offer to cover my kids travel and that's it. No friends
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  • Legitimate-Suit-4956 Sounds like she'll be chipping in for your travel costs when you go visit her.

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