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    Boss makes assistant cry because she ordered steak and dessert during a business lunch with a client: 'The client and I both ordered burgers and fries. The client and I both said no to dessert.'

    Nobody is born knowing the intricacies of ordering and eating at a business lunch. Still, it's understandable that she'd feel insecure about the micromanagement of her food choices. 

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    • Close up of a fork and knife cutting a fillet steak
      via Curated Lifestyle (Unsplash+)

      Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

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    • Am I the bad guy for speaking to my overweight assistant about her business lunch food choices and making her cry?

      At the beginning of the year, I hired an assistant (we'll call her Amy). Amy is great at what she does and I have already given her a raise because I felt she was underpaid for what she was doing.
      via u/Hot_Lab4411
    • I'm working on several large deals, so I gave Amy the lead on one of them.
      via u/Hot_Lab4411
    • She did an excellent job. I set up a lunch appointment with that client on Friday.
      via u/Hot_Lab4411
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    • I told him I would be bringing Amy as she has been instrumental in their account.
      via u/Hot_Lab4411
    • He did not have a problem with this. Amy was professional, knowledgeable and did an overall good job.
      via u/Hot_Lab4411
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    • The client and I were both impressed, with the exception of one thing. The client and I both ordered burgers and fries.
      via u/Hot_Lab4411
    • Amy ordered a steak-well done- mashed potatoes, steamed veggies and a side of soup. The client and I finished about the same time.
      via u/Hot_Lab4411
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    • It was another 15 minutes before Amy finished. Then the waitress came around and asked if we wanted dessert.
      via u/Hot_Lab4411
    • The client and I both said no. Amy ordered cheese cake and coffee. I realized that I hadn't spoken to Amy about client lunches before, so after the meeting.
      via u/Hot_Lab4411
    • I explained to her that it is best to follow the client's lead. If they order simple food, we order simple food.
      via u/Hot_Lab4411
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    • If they decline desert, we decline desert. If we want something afterwards, we can pick it up later.
      via u/Hot_Lab4411

    • In any normal social situation where you're eating out with people, nobody would think twice about ordering something different than everyone else. It's understandable to opt for a cheaper entrée when your friend is buying you dinner. I still cringe at myself for ordering a soda when my friend's parents were paying for my dinner, since they all just ordered water with their meals. But you'd assume your boss buying you lunch wouldn't have the same hangups as a frugal family. If your company is footing the bill, why wouldn't you consider ordering something you wouldn't usually buy? That's why I always order steak burritos during the company lunch. I am not liberal enough with my spending to regularly buy myself steak.

    • Amy did not take this well. At first, she offered to pay me back. I told her it was not a money issue.
      via u/Hot_Lab4411
    • I have no problem buying her lunch but to keep in mind it's about business. I told her I usually order wraps or burgers because they are not too messy (like spaghetti) and I can take small bites in case I'm asked a question.
      via u/Hot_Lab4411
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    • I can also match the client's eating speed so there is no awkward waiting on either side.
      via u/Hot_Lab4411
    • Then she started crying, saying it is because she's fat (her words not mine). I again told her it was about strategy.
      via u/Hot_Lab4411
    • A woman sheds a tear looking sorrowful
      via Kateryna Hliznitsova (Unsplash+)

      Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

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    • I can't help but feel bad for Amy. She's not trying to put words in her boss's mouth. She feels attacked and criticized for doing something as simple as eating a large lunch and dessert. She has probably faced no shortage of hardship due to her weight throughout her life. The general public is far less likely to comment and criticize how skinny people eat. You could order the biggest entree on the menu, and if you're skinny, nobody will feign "concern" about your health. Amy has probably been criticized many times for her food choices by people who weren't trying to help her the way her boss was. If she has a history of people micromanaging her food choices because she's fat, it's no wonder that she'd assume her boss was doing the same thing.

    • I thought she had great potential and I wanted to help guide her. I then told her about some of my past faux pas.
      via u/Hot_Lab4411
    • For example, ordering spaghetti and getting it all on my shirt, or once I ordered first and ordered a cheese burger when the client was vegetarian and highly disgusted at me.
      via u/Hot_Lab4411
    • A businessman eating a burger, much to the disgust of his vegetarian client
      via Yunus Tuğ (Unsplash+)

      Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

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    • Getting spaghetti all over your shirt is so much worse than what Amy did. Not to mention, she allegedly ate too slowly, which is a whole lot better than eating too fast, getting food all over you, and looking like a slob.

    • She was still upset when she left. I feel like an AH for bringing this to her attention but my intentions were good.
      via u/Hot_Lab4411
    • I feel like she has great potential. The meal did not concern me as much as how she took instruction.
      via u/Hot_Lab4411
    • Now I'm wondering if others think I was wrong for bringing it up at all.
      via u/Hot_Lab4411
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    • KatieHedgehog NTA as long as you are accurate in the depiction of your tone and for helping her learn how these lunches should go. Most likely she has had bad past experiences with someone policing her food and it is a sore point for her.
      via u/KatieHedgehog
    • Hot_Lab4411 Original Poster's Reply I talked to her like I always do; in a caring mentor type voice. I did not think that maybe she has had issues in the past with people policing her eating habits.
      via u/Hot_Lab4411
    • New-Chemist5315 NTA She is self conscious about her weight and you struck a nerve, you didn't mean to. I honestly think she is just quite embarrassed, though I do think you are overthinking your client meals it's just a meal not everything needs to be strategic. Maybe you both could use some loosing up
      via u/New-Chemist5315
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    • Hot_Lab4411 Original Poster's Reply I hear what you're saying, but for me business lunches are very strategic. I once had a breakfast meeting with a landscape company. I wore a green button up shirt and kaki pants. I then had a change of clothes for another company, which I wanted to wear brighter clothes and a tie to a lunch meeting. People do business with people they know, like and trust. These meetings are my chance to make that connection and win their business.
      via u/Hot_Lab4411
    • Fit-Bumblebee-6420 >Amy did not take this well. At first, she offered to pay me back. I told her it was not a money issue. There is no way you can get someone who is determined to misunderstand you, to understand you. You did not comment on her weight and her theatrics speak to her and whatever she's dealing with internally. Professionally, this is a huge red flag for Amy. I know it is hard to hear especially given the crying and all that, but you are NTA.
      via u/Fit-Bumblebee-6420
    • Thundernutz79 NTA - Business lunches are weird. So many unwritten rules and pitfalls. As her boss, you offered advice and examples of mistakes made in the past. As her boss, it's literally your job to mentor and guide her in these situations. Also, dessert has two S's. :)
      via u/Thundernutz79
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    • mvms NTA I am also an overweight person. I would never ever think of ordering steak if I worked in a client facing job and the client didn't order something fancy first! It wouldn't even occur to me to do so. I do understand that she may be feeling very sensitive about her weight, a lot of us fat people do, but not every conversation about food is an indictment. If she wants to be in your field, she needs to know the strategy. I also get why it didn't occur to you to have the food strategy meeti
      via u/mvms
    • SecretGrass3325 NAH. But next time you are taking someone out for lunch I'd explain the expectations BEFORE the meal.
      via u/SecretGrass3325
    • 3furryboys This was a completely appropriate conversation about learning workplace norms. NTA
      via u/3furryboys
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    • bananaloca2002 NTA. As a plus size woman, I do not see a problem with this advice at all. She sounds insecure and needs to understand it is about the timing out of respect for the client, not the food itself.
      via u/bananaloca2002
    • jgcrawfo NTA, it's business etiquette not far shaming. She's probably sensitive on this so there might be no safe way to have the convo, but your approach is right
      via u/jgcrawfo
    • DankyMcJangles I think you're missing the real issue. Ordering a well done steak is an offense to the cow that provided it
      via u/DankyMcJangles

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