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    30-year-old's boyfriend stays over 5-6 nights/week, 36-year-old roommate wants him to pitch in on utilities: 'Our electric and water bills have gone up'

    Author image for JR Atkinson
    JR Atkinson • Writer and Editor
    Mar 2, 2026 10:00 AM EST

    Negotiating overnight guests is one of the hardest hurdles to clear with your roommate.

    Is it right to ask them to pitch in on utilities? The cost of living is ever-rising, and it's tough out there for most of us. And every little cent counts. You don't want to end up with a cost burden just because you were afraid to speak up for yourself. But there is a difference between being frugal and being a pest to your friends. Sometimes you just have to eat a cost because you don't want to be overly stingy with the people you love. But if this keeps happening over time, then you might want to take stock of your relationships. You would hate to become the cash cow of your friend group by accident. 

    But roommate relationships are a different rodeo. You have to maintain some level of professionalism, because you're dealing with money. You have to be clear-headed and honest about stuff because you're doing the important task of sharing the cost of living. You can't let emotions get in the way of those conversations. But money is emotional, and our lifestyles are personal, so it's easy to get worked up about it. Nobody wants to be told that the way they're living is wrong, and nobody wants to be put on trial for the choices they make. But when you're living with someone, that stuff is bound to come up. You have to be able to talk about it like adults. 

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    • A group of roommates sit around a common space at home
      via Unsplash+ (Getty Images)

      Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

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    • The pair of roommates in this story were unable to do that to a satisfying degree. One of them was upset with the way that their space was being treated and wanted to bring it to the table. The other one wasn't quite willing to hear him out on it, and it led them down an ugly path. Neither one of them was sure who was in the right, and they couldn't agree on a way forward, so they reached out to the internet for help. Scroll on to read what happened in this story and see which side of the issue you land on.

    • Am I in the wrong for telling my roommate her boyfriend needs to chip in for utilities if he's here most nights?

      I'm 36M and I live with my roommate (30F). We split rent 50/50 and utilities 50/50. For the last couple of months, her boyfriend has been over about 5- 6 nights a week. He showers here, cooks here, and does laundry here. He's also started spending daytime here pretty often. It feels like we basically have a third person living here most of the week.
      via u/Specialist-Dog5224
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    • Our electric and water bills have gone up. I brought it up calmly and asked if we could either limit overnights to a few nights a week or have him chip in for utilities since he's here so much. I suggested a simple split like making utilities closer to 1/3 each if he's here more than half the week.
      via u/Specialist-Dog5224
    • She got upset and said I'm being controlling and "counting nights", and that she pays her share so she can have guests whenever she wants. I told her I'm not trying to police her relationship, I just don't think it's fair for me to subsidize another adult using the apartment like he lives here. AITA for pushing for a utilities contribution (or fewer nights) instead of just letting it go?
      via u/Specialist-Dog5224
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    • Commenters gave their takes on this problem.

      Extreme_Benefit_... You're not counting nights. you're counting kilowatts. and water gallons. There's a difference. Love may be free, but utilities aren't.
      via u/Extreme_Benefit_202
    • Broad-Inspection... If someone that is not me or whoever else pays rent DOES THE LAUNDRY at my house we are 100% splitting the bills 3 ways. Having friends, friends taking occasional showers, partners staying is ok. When normal house duties are done at my place is a nono.
      via u/Broad-Inspection6270
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    • ThisWillAgeWell NTA. She got upset and said I'm being controlling and "counting nights", and that she pays her share so she can have guests whenever she wants Yes, she can have guests, as can you.
      via u/ThisWillAgeWell
    • A guest is someone who stays for a few hours, maybe a night occasionally. He's not a guest. You are now a household of three. He's the third person living in your home who spends the occasional night somewhere else.
      via u/ThisWillAgeWell
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    • You are correct: you shouldn't be expected to subsidize him. And it's not just the money. You should be able to enjoy your space without having him constantly there. I wouldn't be letting this go. If your roommate won't budge, I'd be looking for somewhere else to live.
      via u/ThisWillAgeWell
    • A group of roommates sit around a table
      via Unsplash+ (Getty Images)

      Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

    • legendary_mushr... NTA. 1. if someone is there more than half the time, they have crossed out of "guest" mode and it's fair to ask for a contribution. 2. why should you subsidize another adult? The hard numbers are there. The
      via u/legendary_mushroom
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    • water and power cost has gone up. It is about money, because money is something we all need. Unfortunately, I don't have a great solution for you. But you're definitely not wrong.
      via u/legendary_mushroom
    • TaratronHex NTA but check your lease because there is a good chance this is not an okay thing. He's pretty much living there outside one or two nights every week?
      via u/TaratronHex
    • Environmental_Wi... You're right for pushing. Talk to your landlord if she refuses to listen to you
      via u/Environmental_Win55
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    • Number-2-Sis Check the lease, this is probably not allowed. If you can, find another place and let BF take over the lease for you
      via u/Number-2-Sis
    • bythebrook88 She got upset and said I'm being controlling and "counting nights", and that she pays her share so she can have guests whenever she wants. Do you have any friends that
      via u/bythebrook88
    • would like to return the favour? Spend all their time in your apartment, cooking, showering, watching TV etc. until she understands how awful it is to not have only two people present? Otherwise check your lease and see if it limits the number of overnight stays. If it does, tell your roommate that in future you will be abiding strictly by the lease.
      via u/bythebrook88
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    • sikonat Oh f no. It's unreasonable to have a guest no more than 3 nights. He's there days and nights using up extra utilities. She can pay. It's not controlling.
      via u/sikonat
    • jb... NTA. And SHE's complaining that HER costs will could drop from 1/2 to 1/3. Hmm. (edit: replaced "will" with "could" for clarity.)
      via u/jbarr107
    • Feeling_Yam_7917 NTA I was the roommate with the boyfriend staying over all the time and he was the one who volunteered to share in the utilities. Your roommate and her BF are definitely taking advantage and need to pay a fair share.
      via u/Feeling_Yam_7917
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    • Narfie_ Not surprising that she's annoyed, but NTA. Him there and using the utilities more than half the time put you in the position of subsidizing their time together. They may be more open to a split share of the utilities, since he isn't on the lease. Just a thought.
      via u/Narfie_
    • chonkosaurusrexx She is paying her share, but her partner is making said share go up for you. Him being there is an extra expence for you, and while she could potentially share the increased expence with her partner, you dont have that option.
      via u/chonkosaurusrexx
    • If they arent open to looking more into a sensible solution here, look at your contract, contact the landlord and look at options.
      via u/chonkosaurusrexx
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    • Latter-Risk-7215 nope, not the a hole. if he's basically living there, he should pitch in. fair's fair.
      via u/Latter-Risk-7215
    • Downtown_Barbe... NTA. He should at least pay the increase. She's being unreasonable. He's also taking up more space which should require him to be a third roommate if he's there more than just nights with her. Have him sign in and sign out for a week and see
      via u/Downtown_Barber_499
    • how much time he's spending there. "Having friends over" does not mean they all get to move in. If they want to think you're an AH then at least make it truly fair.
      via u/Downtown_Barber_499

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    Tags

    utilities bad roommate living together bad roommates relationships bathroom money apartment
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