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    Couple constantly hosts family holidays where in-laws never pitch in or help clean, husband draws a line in the sand: 'They show up empty handed every single time'

    Author image for JR Atkinson
    JR Atkinson • Writer and Editor
    Feb 23, 2026 4:00 PM EST

    When you're a guest in someone's home, you offer to help. 

    We might not have all been raised the same way, but there are some things that we can agree on as common politeness. If you're invited into somebody's home, then there are certain rules you should care to follow. You don't have to bend over backwards, trying to be the perfect houseguest, which can make everybody a little bit uncomfortable, but you can put in the bare minimum of effort. It takes a lot of work to host. It throws off your whole routine, invites chaos into your home, and creates a lot of housework in the process. And it could be an incredibly rewarding thing to do. It's one of my favorite things to do, and an easy way for me to show my appreciation for my friends and my family. And I'm the type of person who will refuse help even if somebody offers. 

    But there's a difference between letting somebody host and taking advantage of their hospitality. If someone is constantly going out of their way to make you food, to give you a place to hang out, and opening their doors to you, then the least you can do is make it easy on them. You try to keep your personal mess to a minimum, and you offer to help clean up. The house might not accept your help, but it's important that you offer. 

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    • A woman washes dishes in the sink wearing gloves
      via Unsplash+ (Getty Images)

      Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

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    • Especially if this is a regular occurrence. But the family in the story wasn't quite ready to do that. And their family ecosystem, when you are a guest, you're off the hook for everything. Even if it's a family holiday that you're all partaking in. So naturally, the constant hosts started to get a little bit bored with having to constantly clean up after their family members. But the wife in the story thought that that was normal. She was ready to open up their home to her family, no matter how inconvenient it was. But her husband started to get more than a little bit annoyed. Read on to see what they had to say.

    • Am I in the wrong for telling my wife I'm done hosting her family every holiday because they never offer to help or bring anything?

      I have been married for six years. We have a decent sized house so we've always hosted holidays. Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter. My own family (parents and sisters) doesn't stay here. My wife's parents, her brother and his wife, and their two kids. About 8 people total.
      via u/BetExciting7300
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    • Here's the thing. They show up empty handed every single time. No food, no drinks, no offering to help cook or clean only few times when asked to help. They sit on the couch watch football and wait to be fed. Then after dinner they go home and leave us with all the mess. I've mentioned this to my wife before. She said that's just how they are and they're guests. But they're not guests at this point. It's been six years.
      via u/BetExciting7300
    • Last week her mom texted asking about preparations for Easter Sunday. I told my wife I'm done. I said if they want to come they need to bring something and help. clean up or at least send money for something. My wife said I'm only making things weird and she did all the work before we got married. Her brother and parents aren't used to doing anything with her
      via u/BetExciting7300
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    • around. She said my suggestion will only make things awkward and stop her family from coming over. I said I'm tired of being used as a free restaurant. We spend a lot on food and three days cooking and cleaning while they do almost nothing.
      via u/BetExciting7300
    • She told me she'll handle it and later told me she called her mom and asked if they could bring a dessert and her mom said she's not a good baker and she thinks that got her mom got upset because she changed the subject immediately.
      via u/BetExciting7300
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    • Now my wife thinks I don't want her family around since she never complained herself about work. Her mom hasn't confirmed if they're coming and that seems like my fault. She's asked if I could call them to ask if they're coming and I'm not going to call. Does that make me an A-He
      via u/BetExciting7300
    • A family sits around the table sharing food.
      via Unsplash+ (Andrej Lišakov)

      Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

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    • Commenters gave their takes and advice.

      toofarkt 23h ago . I have family like this and here is how I handle it: • I lowered the bar for . entertaining them. I grab a couple of cheap pizzas at Costco instead of making dinner for example. I put out a plate of fruit
      via u/toofarkt
    • and store bought muffins for breakfast. We even buy cheap coffee so we aren't using our "good" stuff on them. • give them jobs. I assign jobs to anyone just sitting around while I'm working. Dishes, clearing the table,
      via u/toofarkt
    • letting the dog out, and taking the trash out can all be easily assigned to people. Once someone made a comment about be assigned a task. I replied "all of our other guests offer to help and since you don't, I figured I needed to ask." Good luck!
      via u/toofarkt
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    • Glittering-Paper... . 23h ago "Hi everyone! This year we'll be doing this potluck style. Wife and I will provide the turkey and mashed potatoes. Please select one of the following to bring. We also ask that this year, everyone helps tidy so we can enjoy each other as family." It's not hard. NTA
      via u/Glittering-Paper
    • 2cents0 They're not guests, they're family. Their arms also aren't broken. And if they are "not a good baker," they can 1) learn, or 2) bring a store- bought pie or something, then help with cleanup. I also find it ironic that when you had your limit, your wife
      via u/2cents0
    • agreed to take over all the work, and then immediately asked her family to pitch in so she knows exactly how much it is to take on by herself, too, and also wasn't willing to do it alone. "Now my wife thinks I don't want her family around." Honestly, I wouldn't, either. What a bunch of entitled moochers. NTA. -
      via u/2cents0
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    • MarzipanMarzipan NTA I have in-laws like this. I am blunt and probably rode about it bc it doesn't matter if they like me. "Oh hey man. You come to sleep on the entire living room couch while everyone around you is cooking and cleaning and wrangling children (including yours) again this year?"
      via u/MarzipanMarzipan
    • "Hey man, I noticed you always leave the table early so that you can steal Mom's recliner and make her sit in a hard chair in her own home. You never steal Dad's seat-- only Mom's. Why is that?" I don't give af if they like me. We don't need respect from people we don't respect. My family's dignity is more important than their selfishness.
      via u/MarzipanMarzipan
    • Icy-You3075 NTA. I feel bad for your wife though. Her family must have done a number on her if even as an adult, she's afraid of speaking up and asking them to act with respect.
      via u/Icy-You3075
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    • 18k_gold Her mom's not a good baker. Good thing there are many bakers that open a bakery. Go buy something
      via u/18k_gold
    • Vast_Impression... So, your wife was a doormat to them and now she expects you to act the same? No thank you. Your InLaws sound horrid!
      via u/Vast_Impression
    • Boo-Boo97 Your wife is a doormat and needs therapy. Her family has conditioned her to be the caretaker and she likely doesn't know how to stand up for herself.
      via u/Boo-Boo97
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    • Only you can decide if this is a hill you want to di on. First, I'd highly suggest marriage counseling where you can bring these issues up and a third party can explain to your wife that her family is ab ive and/or manipulative. Once she can see that, she's going to need personal therapy to learn boundaries
      via u/Boo-Boo97
    • laughter_corgis NTA. Your wife's reasonable request to her mom to bring dessert and her Mom's answer spoke volumes. Seriously they can buy a cake or a pie from the grocery store. Plan a low key fun activity for little family
      via u/laughter_corgis
    • BlondDee1970 NTA. Your inlaws are lazy AF. Even if you're not a good baker or whatever - you order something from the local bakery - pick up a charcuterie board - get in the kitchen and do dishes.. sorry but your wife's family take advantage of you. Hosting is expensive.
      via u/BlondDee1970
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    • HMNIIMYKMFPT... The people who get mad about you placing boundaries are the ones who benefit from you not having any. Asking them to bring one thing and they're acting like they won't come over it? If your wife really wants to do all the work for this, let her. They'll keep taking and taking until she's finally fed up and goes nuclear. (Ask me, a woman who got fed up, how I know.)
      via u/HMNIIMYKMFPT
    • The expense however, that does affect you and you're allowed to put reasonable expectations in place for what you won't spend on other people. If she wants to pay for it all, that's on her.
      via u/HMNIIMYKMFPT
    • Aggravating-Bit-... Potluck is very normal, her family should not be offended
      via u/Aggravating-Bit

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    easter family drama marriage hospitality family feud couples in laws family holidays
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