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    Daughter refuses to help retired parents with another cash‑out refinance after years of paying their bills and cleaning up their bad financial decisions while they keep taking expensive yearly trips they cannot afford

    A woman in her mid‑thirties realizes she is not just a daughter, she is a full‑time financial triage unit for her retired 70-year-old parents. And let me tell you, your retirement dreams sound a lot less dreamy when they are funded by other people's bank accounts. 

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    • senior couple sitting close together on a couch at home, smiling and embracing while looking off into the distance.
      via Getty Images For Unsplash+

      Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

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    • AIO - Retired parents can’t afford their lifestyle and I’m tired of helping them

      Sorry this is long... My (35f) parents (70m, 68f) are retired and just like most immigrants their age who can, they go back to the home country for 3 months a year and come back because healthcare in the US is better (dad is a vet, so he's covered; mom pays for insurance but not an issue for them to pay).
      via PiaChichi
    • The problem is they can't actually afford this yearly trip and my dad does not know how to manage his finances.
      via PiaChichi
    • He always says he doesn't need to save because he'll get more money next month. They own two properties that have "needed" thousands of dollars in repairs and they converted unsuccessfully into airbnbs a couple years ago.
      via PiaChichi
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    • I am the kid that usually facilitates with paying their bills and helping with contracts, but took a step back last year because we kept getting into arguments about how much money they were "borrowing" from me.
      via PiaChichi
    • It was initially a couple hundred here and there, then they'd ask for $2-3k from me and my other sibling multiple times.
      via PiaChichi
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    • I finally put my foot down when they wanted to refinance their home and it wasn't favorable for them at all.
      via PiaChichi
    • Woman reviewing bills and receipts at home desk, using calculator and laptop to manage personal finances and budget expenses.
      via Ahmet Kurt

      Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

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    • The parents sprint off to their home country for three months every year insisting they “need it for their mental health” while their actual mental health is being drained by bad decisions. The dad treats saving like an old superstition he does not believe in another check will show up another month will fix it anyway. The mom nods along pays what she has to pay and pretends the bills are a side note. They own two properties that are basically money pits rental experiments that went nowhere and repair projects that never get finished.  

    • They ended up taking a personal loan without telling me. So many other things have happened since then that are objectively stupid money decisions.
      via PiaChichi

    • The daughter has been the one who steps in. She pays the cable bills the phone bills the car insurance she runs interference on terrible loans and she is the only one who ever opens a spreadsheet. She cut back on the handouts last year after they started asking for thousands and then went behind her back to sign a loan anyway. Now she is laid off living on savings and part‑time pay and she is staring at a cash‑out refinance request that feels less like a solution and more like a repeat performance.  

    • They still choose to do their yearly trip because they "need it for their mental health".
      via PiaChichi
    • Fast forward to now, they just got back from their latest trip. Yesterday my dad asks me to help him with getting the paperwork together for a cash out refinance.
      via PiaChichi
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    • Active senior couple hiking in open countryside, smiling and enjoying nature, woman raising her arm joyfully while walking through green fields.
      via halfpoint

      Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

    • The irony is that she is the only one actually protecting them and she is also the one expected to feel guilty for wanting to stop. Their lifestyle is not built on savings it is built on borrowing including from her and they keep treating every crisis like a surprise instead of a pattern.  

    • I was livid. I'm assuming he's doing this because he just got more debt, but I guess I'll have to find out today when I told him that before I help him with anything about refinancing, I'm gonna look over their current budget and financial situation, plus look at the terms of the refinance because it could be just as crappy as it was last time.
      via PiaChichi
    • I personally can't help them anymore because I'm currently laid off and can just afford to get by with my own savings and part time work, which I will absolutely not offer to them.
      via PiaChichi
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    • Now, not being angry in this situation would require a zen level that takes many lifetimes to achieve, so it’s pretty understandable if you ask me. Instead of concentrating on her own breathing, she just finally stopped pretending she is obligated to fix everyone else’s refusal to face reality.

    • I already pay their cable, Netflix, mobile phone, and car insurance. Part of me just wants to say eff it, not help them at all with paperwork.
      via PiaChichi
    • But they are also my parents and elderly. I'm so pissed off they are in this situation, AOR?
      via PiaChichi
    • Worldly_Instance_730 Why on earth did they retire if they can't afford it?! NOR.
      via PiaChichi
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    • PiaChichi Original Poster's Reply My dad now gets full disability from his time in the military and with ss and a pension, they net almost $100k. It's ridiculous. Like other people are starving and don't have secure housing.
      via PiaChichi
    • Reimiro They shouldnt need much help it seems. I would make them sell the 2 Airbnb before I helped with anything.
      via PiaChichi
    • PiaChichi Original Poster's Reply If only they could get rid of both. One was a house built on family land, which my dad bought out from his siblings. The other he could sell.
      via PiaChichi
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    • PiaChichi Original Poster's Reply UPDATE: Y'all, thank you for all your input. Crisis averted! They are more than fine financially. Yes, they racked up some credit card debt, but nothing they couldn't pay off in a year or two. My dad just looks at the different credit card amounts and doesn't like seeing it (a problem he creates for himself). So when a mortgage lender called him the other day to "help him out" and "get money that belongs to him anyway" (equity), he thought "oh what a perfect way
      via PiaChichi
    • Holiday_Trainer_2657 NOR I bet those trips back to the old country also involve showing off to folks there, bringing expensive gifts, etc. At least it is in some cultures. You need to be very realistic with them about the limits of what you can/will do. And they will then need to learn the limits of their actual income. It's very hard to be the first generation in the new country person like you. The parents expect the kind of support children in the old country offer their parents. And they won
      via PiaChichi
    • PiaChichi Original Poster's Reply Oh absolutely, they show off or pay for dinner for everybody. One time, my dad caught their relatives adding extra entrees to go while putting in their food order.
      via PiaChichi
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    • Beautiful-Wallaby698 first of all, 68 and 70 is not elderly. They are older adults who should have learned this stuff by now and are fully capable. It is not your responsibility to constantly be bailing them out. Perhaps you could have what I know will be a hard conversation about how you cannot give them any other money and set up a meeting for them with a financial advisor who you have researched and made an appointment with for them. It's time for real talk. Sorry you have to be the one to do
      via PiaChichi
    • PiaChichi Original Poster's Reply my bad, I guess I think elderly because they are over retirement age and both have health issues that seem to accelerate their aging and they look like cute little old ppl now with their shrinking.
      via PiaChichi
    • Usual_Confection6091 NOR - Stop paying for everything for them!! Netflix? Seriously? They are grown adults, not your children.
      via PiaChichi
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    • PiaChichi Original Poster's Reply Yeah, it's kinda dumb because the Netflix was originally able to be shared between my place and them, but now that Netflix has rules against sharing between households, I can't access it because I also get the service partially paid for from my phone bill. And by "I can't access it" I mean that I just don't watch it enough so I just let them use it.
      via PiaChichi
    • PiaChichi Original Poster's Reply Thank you for the resources
      via PiaChichi
    • SpecialModus Operandi Nor If you don't have a job you need to sit them down and talk finances. They need to pay for their own phone and car insurance. Cable and Netflix can be stopped until finances are better. If you keep paying for them what happens to your financial future?
      via PiaChichi
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    • PiaChichi Original Poster's Reply Yeah luckily my retirement is not something that's ever on the table for them. I've established with them before that it's untouchable and how unfair it'd be to compromise my retirement when they have theirs well funded.
      via PiaChichi
    • Sad-Consideration 103 NOR Would it be possible to take over their finances?
      via PiaChichi
    • PiaChichi Original Poster's Reply Idk, I've debated on looking into a conservatorship. I already have a durable POA, but that doesn't stop my dad from doing whatever he wants without telling me.
      via PiaChichi

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