- 01
Mount Doom
I admire the honesty. I really do. But this is the fantasy equivalent of calling your evil lair "Bad Place Where Terrible Things Happen." Zero subtlety. Maximum branding. This is "Unobtanium" levels of naming.
- 02
Fatty Lumpkin
This sounds like a rejected Beatrix Potter character. Yes, he's a pony. No, that does not save it. This is not a name, this is a gentle insult.
- 03
Bill the Pony
Just to be fair - Bill the Pony is also not a great name - A great horse! but not a great name. After all the poetry, lore, and linguistic depth, we arrive at Bill. Just Bill. And somehow, against all odds, Bill is still one of the most emotionally beloved characters.
- 04
Gríma Wormtongue
We understand he's evil. We promise. You didn't need to name him like a medieval diss track. This is less a character name and more a warning label. This is like hiring a guy named "Lowlife McTheifster" to manage your accounting.
- 05
Farmer Maggot
Imagine surviving multiple ages of Middle Earth only to be remembered forever as Farmer Maggot. No tragic backstory. No redemption arc. Just vibes and mushrooms. This guy stood up to a Nazgul and got stuck with a gross name. He deserved better.
- 06
Sharkey
Saruman's nickname in the Shire. I cannot take this seriously. This is the name of a guy who runs a slightly shady arcade, not a fallen wizard manipulating entire regions. And I can't help but start singing Baby Shark every time I hear it.
- 07
Treebeard
It's a tree… With a Beard.
- 08
Quickbeam
Another Ent, but this one sounds 100% like an Autobot. For beings who embody slow, patient wisdom, this one is aggressively perky.
Quickbeam - Transform!! - 09
Bree
I'm sorry. I can't hear this name without thinking of cheese. It's impossible. Every time someone says "Bree," my brain immediately goes to a cheese board and refuses to come back. This one's probably not on Tolkien, It's on me.
- 10
Teleporno
Yes, you read it right - It's Teleporno. Galadriel's husband. A noble elf prince. A perfectly respectable Sindarin name that modern language has completely annihilated. Tolkien couldn't predict the internet, but wow did the internet have thoughts about this one.
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Final Thoughts
Tolkien gave us the blueprint for modern fantasy. He also gave us names that feel like inside jokes, placeholders, or moments where he simply stopped caring for five minutes. And honestly? That contrast makes Middle Earth feel more human.Even legends have off days.
