Dollywood amusement park visitor declares fast passes are society’s biggest issue after waiting 90 minutes for a ride while paying guests skip ahead and VIP view of Christmas decorations: ‘even if I had the money, I would not buy it on principle’

There is something deeply funny about discovering class consciousness while standing in line for a roller coaster surrounded by churros and screaming toddlers. This newly elucidated consumer goes to Dollywood expecting twinkle lights and cinnamon air, not a live demonstration of economic inequality. The line says 35 minutes. Reality says 90. Somewhere between the fading daylight and the aching calves, enlightenment dawns.

Fast Pass holders glide by like aristocrats on a moving walkway, entire trains reserved just for them. The regular crowd looks on, powerless but still clutching funnel cakes like the poor man's protest sign. It's infuriating, but also kind of perfect. Nothing teaches the hierarchy of wealth faster than someone skipping ahead to scream in joy ten times before you even buckle in.

Don't get me wrong, our philosopher-patron's argument is sort of spot on. There really was something egalitarian about everyone waiting together, sweating under the same sun, united by boredom and anticipation. The Fast Pass breaks that social contract, turning joy into a purchasable perk. The park stops feeling like a communal escape and starts feeling like an allegory for capitalism with roller tracks.

Amusement Park Fast Passes Are An Elitist Evil That Must Be Abolished

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Whether or not abolishing fast passes will save mankind remains debatable, but the outrage feels honest. Standing in line too long can make anyone philosophical. The rides may be thrilling, but the real adrenaline rush comes from realizing we’ve recreated class society in the happiest place on earth, complete with premium access and a 2-hour wait for justice.