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    'I am perhaps being petty, but I don't want to give him the money': Stepdad refuses to contribute to stepson's college fund despite funding his 3 biokids, stepson flips out

    Author image for JR Atkinson
    JR Atkinson • Writer and Editor
    Sep 20, 2025 10:00 AM EDT

    Each stepparent-stepchild relationship is different. It completely depends on when you came into one another's lives, how invested you are in having a relationship, and both of your personalities. There is no cut-and-dry right way to do it. Maybe it was an easy transition because the kid was young, and all parents and co-parents have an amicable relationship. But this is rarely how it happens. Divorces and separations almost never happen without some hurt feelings, and those hurt feelings can spill out onto the child, unfortunately. Plus, the child has no obligation to form a bond with their step-parent. They have to be respectful and cordial, but there is no parental obligation. But every family is different, and every family handles their problems differently. 

    This is why we should do our best to understand each other's viewpoints when we can. This isn't always easy to do, though, when tensions run high and money is involved. Family and money are the two hardest topics to navigate, so when they come together, it's a miracle of nature when nobody's feelings get hurt. 

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    • A teenage boy stands in the forest and looks at the camera.
      via Ben den Engelsen

      The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

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    • That's what came to a head in this story, where a blended family tried their best to navigate a difficult situation involving college funds. When the money wasn't split evenly, the son tried to make everyone see his side of the story. But his stepfather had other ideas in mind. Read on to see what happened.

    • AITA for not wanting to contribute to my step-son's college fund?

      My (39M) and my wife Emily (38F) have been married for 12 years. Emily has a son James (17) from a previous relationship with Dan. Em left Dan when she caught him cheating with a co-worker. They shared 50/50 custody of James. I met Em about a year after he had left Dan. A year later, Dan married his affair partner, and Em and I got married soon after.
      via u/Fun_Elephant_6393
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    • James never really bonded to me. I admit that I tried a little too hard initailly to get him to like me, but backed off when I realized I was trying too hard and it was having the opposite impact. Over the years, we've built a tense acceptance of sorts, if that makes sense.
      via u/Fun_Elephant_6393
    • Em and I have three kids (10F, 7M & 4M). James doesn't have a good relationship with them either. He bonds well with Dan's sons, but doesn't like spending much time with our kids. He isn't mean to them but just ignores them mostly. The eldest two now just avoid him when he is home.
      via u/Fun_Elephant_6393
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    • Em and I both have well paying jobs and early on, we decided that I would contribute 80% to our trio's college fund, and Em would do 20%, cause she would contribute 100% to James' college fund. We didn't know if Dan was making any such arrangements on his end, but we thought that at least this way James would have something instead of nothing.
      via u/Fun_Elephant_6393
    • Em recently sat him down to talk to him about his college fund. He seemed happy with the financial help he was going to get. He went off to Dan's for the weekend and when he came back he asked Em about our kid's college funds. When he learned that the amount was fairly higher than his, he was upset. When he asked about the
      via u/Fun_Elephant_6393
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    • disparity, Em told him about our college fund set up. He was furious to know that I hadn't contributed to his college fund. He said that I was just pretending to play "family" with him all these years. That I really didn't care about him and was a heartless AH.
      via u/Fun_Elephant_6393
    • Em suggest that we could take some money out of our youngest's fund and give it to James and that she would add it back overtime. But she said that it's my call. That she won't pressurize me either way and would accept whatever I decided.
      via u/Fun_Elephant_6393
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    • Quite frankly, I don't want to do it. James idolizes his father, even now that he knows he cheated on his mother. I could deal with his crappy behaviour with me, but I never understood his attitude towards our kids. We even tried going to family therapy, he refused to go because I wasn't his family. Now when he needs money, suddenly I am family.
      via u/Fun_Elephant_6393
    • I know I am perhaps being petty, but I don't want to give him the money. AITA? EDIT: I think some clarifications are in order.
      via u/Fun_Elephant_6393
    • 1. I don't hate that James idolizes his father. I hate that he blames his mother for their family breaking up. When James was 13 he had heard from one of his older cousin (Dan's side) what his father had done that lead to Emily leaving. When he confronted her about it she explained. We tried for therapy then but didn't happen, will explain later. Last year, he told his mother that he believes she
      via u/Fun_Elephant_6393
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    • was responsible. That instead of leaving Dan, she should have forgotten about what he did and continued to stay with him. Em was expectedly shocked, but when she asked him if the situation was reversed and she had cheated on Dan and he left her, would then Dan be blamed for the family breaking up? He said no, that
      via u/Fun_Elephant_6393
    • would definitely be her fault and made no further explanations. This was not as a results of an argument or heat of the moment statement, ironically, this was a casual dinner table conversation. The other kids had to be excused from the table.
      via u/Fun_Elephant_6393
    • 2. When Em and I had gotten together and things were sarting to look serious, she had wanted to take him to a child therapist who could help him adjust better to the changing situation around him. Since they shared 50/50 custody, Dan's consent was needed, he refused. When we
      via u/Fun_Elephant_6393
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    • were going to get married, we tried for therapy, Dan said he got married before us and James had no issues. We were overreacting, he didn't need therapy. When the above incident happened, when Em was pregnant with our daughter, and most recently after last year's
      via u/Fun_Elephant_6393
    • incident. This time we asked him directly. We thought if he agreed to family therapy then we could speak to our lawyer and work around the custody arrangement since he was almost an adult. This was when he refused therapy saying I wasn't family.
      via u/Fun_Elephant_6393
    • 3. For all those saying that I am treating a teenager like an adult. That I made him feel like the other and not one of us. We tried. When we both starting earning well, we wanted on splurge on our kids during birthdays and holidays, James was never excluded.
      via u/Fun_Elephant_6393
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    • Whatever our kids got, he got too. In fact, as he as older, he got to pick what he wanted. For his 11th birthday, he wante to go to Disney World. Both of Dan's kids were invited. His youngest son and my daughter are the same age. He went, she wasn't invited. We stayed home.
      via u/Fun_Elephant_6393
    • 4. We started the college funds about a year after our daughter was born. Em couldn't start one for James earlier since she was a SAHM when she was with Dan. It took her a while to get back on her feet. She wasn't in a position to immediately start a college fund for him. What a lot of you pointed out is right,
      via u/Fun_Elephant_6393
    • he has been short-changed. Em will recitify that and make up the defict he should get by the time he starts college. But that will still not make it as much as he remaining three. We have decided to sit and have a chat with him this weekend about everything.
      via u/Fun_Elephant_6393
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    • A father helps his son learn how to skateboard.
      via Unsplash+ (Getty Images)

      The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

    • Commenters had some ideas about what was right to do here.

      OverRice2524 • 4d ago He has two parents to contribute to college. They can find him. Sounds like Dan had better step up.
      via u/OverRice2524
    • . Fair_Theme_9388 · 4d ago NTA but why in the world did your wife tell him about your other kid's college funds? It's simply none of his business and giving him the details was just going to upset him. He was perfectly fine with the arrangement before he knew the younger kids are getting more than him.
      via u/Fair_Theme_9388
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    • Your wife is the a hole for opening up a conversation about money with her 17 year old son, and even more of TA for suggesting you take money out of the other kid's funds to make James happy. I don't blame him for getting upset, but your wife needs to contribute more to his fund if she wants to make him happy.
      via u/Fair_Theme_9388
    • chatterbox2024 4d ago NTA - His father put that entitlement into his head that he should have the same amount as the other kids. Except, his own father should had been saving for him as well and obviously did not.
      via u/chatterbox2024
    • shyfidelity 4d ago When he learned that the amount was fairly higher than his, Why would this even be something you shared with a child
      via u/shyfidelity
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    • factfarmer • 4d ago Why would she tell this child anything about the other kid's funds. She has to know her ex put her up to it. Your original plan was fine. Tell the kiddo you assume his Dad is covering the other half of his education and I'd leave it at that.
      via u/factfarmer
    • Beccalmm · 4d ago NTA for not adding to his. Your wife is the AH should have never told him the amounts in the other kids accounts as it had nothing to do with him.
      via u/Beccalmm
    • Longjumping-Car-2... He doesn't deserve the 4d ago money dawg, his father can pay, keep the money set for your own kids
      via u/Longjumping-Car-2845
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    • Radically HonestLife • 4d ago "He said that I was just pretending to play "family" with him all these years." You know, it is kinda wild to me that you didn't manage to bond more with a boy you met when he was five. Five- year-olds are super-
      via u/RadicallyHonestLife
    • impressionable. And it's not like he's incapable of bonding with half-siblings. So what's going on here under the hood? It sounds like a lot of this is your stepson's confusion about dealing with the fact that his actual dad is less
      via u/RadicallyHonestLife
    • wealthy and successful than you are. Because he's not from you - and if he ends up agreeing that you're better than his actual dad (cheater, unsuccessful), what does that say about him? I also think that the idea of fundamentally separating finances per-kid the way you intended is probably not even
      via u/RadicallyHonestLife
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    • possible if you're married. Expressing that you intended to contribute nothing to his college fund when you're presumably feeding and housing him and chipping in indirectly for extracurriculars and healthcare, well - it sounds more like a fiction meant to reinforce emotional distance between the two of you than an accurate financial truth. And that's just needlessly hurtful.
      via u/RadicallyHonestLife
    • So, YTAH for how you handled that *obvious setup* from James's father. Come on, man! Be a teensy bit savvy about very basic tropes. James's dad sounds like a worse a hole by far, but James here sounds like a normal teenage boy in an understandably challenging situation.
      via u/RadicallyHonestLife
    • . Life_Scratch_2807 · 4d ago NTA - you're only family when he needs money. I wouldn't be suprised if he asked about your kids because his Dad told him he doesnt have much for him. That isn't your problem; he
      via u/Life_Scratch_2807
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    • should have cultivated a relationship with you independently that might have allowed you to want to help. That isn't the case, in fact its the opposite. He bonds with Dads family and ignores yours, let him go continue bonding with Dad.
      via u/Life_Scratch_2807

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    childcare teens aita kids teenagers college fund moms parenting dad cute kids stepdad reddit thread parent Reddit raising kids Parenting Fail parents children Parenting FAILS
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