I’m sleep-deprived and will settle for surviving, not thriving, so I organized a list of 29 too-real daily affirmations, self-love slogans, and manifesting mantras for real-life hot messes like me

Every morning, I wake up and recite my daily affirmations: I am strong. I am capable. I'm of course kidding. I wake up every morning, regret it, try to go back to sleep, but the quirks of life pump so much cortisol in me that I am, unfortunately, wide awake.

Most days, my "affirmations" sound more like desperate negotiations with my alarm clock and a cup of coffee that's seen too much. The only thing affirming my mornings is stress, and if there's any promise I am giving myself, it's: "I will not scream into the void before 9 am," and I don't always keep it. The self-help gurus promised that positive thinking would change your life. So far, all it's changed is how many sticky notes I have on my bathroom mirror and my ability to lie to myself with a straight face.

We live in an age where we can't scroll for five seconds without being told to manifest abundance, embrace your journey, and "live your best life." My best life is just hoping my Wi-Fi doesn't crash before I click 'publish' on this very list and that I remember to buy toilet paper before it's a crisis. "You are enough," they say. Sure, but am I enough to convince my boss that my camera is off because of "technical difficulties" and not because I'm still in sleeping attire?