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37 Scottish Tweets That Are Pure Dead Brilliant

  • 1
    Text - Regular Frog @FrogCroakley Follow *scientist cradles scotch egg in hands* *a tiny fist breaks through the crumbs; a scotsman hatches* *Jurassic park theme swells on bagpipes*

    A scotch egg is a hard or soft boiled egg wrapped in sausage meat and sometimes breadcrumbs. 

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  • 2
    Cap - 000 Sean @Sean67_ Italian police Scottish police OLIZIA OLIZIA OLIZIA FOL OUCE MD ID MD 20 MD
  • 3
    Orange - me convincing maself in the pub toilet mirror than am no completely blootert CES

    Me convincing myself in the pub bathroom mirror that I'm not completely wasted.

  • 4
    Organism - M @ciderbams Cannae stop laughing at the sheep my dad saw today. Absolute unit. 11:57 AM · 11/17/20 · Twitter for iPhone
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  • 5
    Text - Daniel Leonard @Daniel_Leonard It's no even a hangover a get anymore it's more lit being a bawhair away fae becoming extinct. Solid 12 hours lying in bed trying to communicate wae god to see if he'll do me a favour n either wipe me out or square me up

    It's not even a hangover I get anymore, it's more like being a pubic hair away from becoming extinct. Solid 12 hours lying in bed trying to communicate with god to see if he'll do me a favor and either kill me or fix me.

  • 6
    Vertebrate - Ross Sayers @Sayers33 Americans pronouncing Glasgow
  • 7
    Text - roobs @roobsleiser why use 280 characters when the best scottish joke ever only needs 62 woman goes to the dentist & gets in the chair "comfy?" "govan"

    Woman goes to the dentists and gets in the chair.
    "Where do you come from?"
    "Govan (Glasgow)"

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  • 8
    Text - shando @soopdug Dinny care if this vaccine makes is grow a third leg just means al be able to walk to the pubs faster <333

    Don't care if this vaccine makes us grow a third leg, just means I'll be able to walk to the pubs faster.

  • 9
    Text - Caz @carricknrm Using my gold trimmer on a boy at work n he goes "wit did ye unlock that after 500 haircuts" genuinely the best bit ae patter l've heard in a while

    Using my gold trimmer on a boy at work and he goes, "did you unlock that after 500 haircuts?" Genuinely the best line I've heard in a while. 

  • 10
    Text - PAULDOCK ... @PaulDock93 "Naw brother am no taking it, see the hing is"- *snorts big line of gear* "they could put anything in the Covid vaccine" x
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  • 11
    Yellow - Sean @sdel6795 A woman done a shite that bad the day in ma work that the wee woman that owns the place wis in the kitchen greeting geein it 'a don't know if this is for me anymore' aasa shite that powerful it makes ye reconsider yer career path

    A woman took a sh*t so bad today in my work that the little woman who owns the place was in the kitchen crying and saying 'I don't know if this is for me anymore.' A shit so powerful it makes you reconsider your career path.

  • 12
    Blue - FlannyTM @LiamFlannigan1 Don't text your gaffer when your still on it ww Wayne Alright bud, I'm not gonna make it in today. My neighbours cat's died and she's having a memorial/burial for him and said it would mean a lot if I went. Hope you understand. Are you taking the piss? No mate, I wasn't that close to the cat or anything but my neighbours asked if I'll come and I feel like I can't say no. The cat was actually quite a dick to be honest. It made this weird noise at me one morning and

    Don't text your boss when you're still wasted.

  • 13
    Text - Petra Martonova ... @petramarton8 Why is the father of my child strolling in now waking me up, asking can we let the taxi driver in, to watch the boxing because he can't afford to pay for it so he wants to let him watch it in our house. I'm done O
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  • 14
    Text - M @milicopeland A told this lassie sat next to me on the bus her guide dog was braw and she went "aw I wouldny Ken " a choked on ma irn bru, pure splutterin peridottea91 Follow Translation: I told this girl sent next to me on the bus that her guide dog was cute and she said "Aw I wouldn't know" and I choked on my coffee

    Actually, peridottea91 is wrong. Irn-Bru isn't coffee, it's Scotland's most popular soda and 'other national drink' (after whiskey). 

  • 15
    Text - sheep @cannyswim Following Police brutality in america is fucking awful man polis in scotland probably flip coins for who's chapping the door and who's dain the talkin

    Police brutality in America is f*cking awful. Police in Scotland probably flip coins for who's knocking the door and who's doing the talking.

  • 16
    Text - Mike Adams Follow @_MikeAdams l'd be so ragin if i was a sniffer dog. A dug with a job. All your pals down the park sniffing arseholes n you canny cos you're on backshift

    I'd be so mad if I was a detection dog. A dog with a job. All your pals down at the park sniffing assh*les and you can't because you're on the late shift. 

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  • 17
    Text - Gerry Bhoy *X @GerryBhoy81 People worried about the gyms closing just remember in Rocky 4 Rocky trained in a shitty barn wae a big fuck off saw and walked aboot wae a log strapped to his back.. And still leathered Drago 9:57 · 17 Nov 20 · Twitter for Android
  • 18
    Text - John McKenzie @JohnMcKenzie88 How good does it feel coming home every day to a wee excited face all happy to see u jumping up and down barking. Love ma wee gran

    How good does it feel coming home every day to a little excited face all happy to see you jumping up and down barking. Love my little grandma.

  • 19
    Glasses - Adam Drummond ... @AdamDrummond14 don't understand fussy eaters man n cunts who don't like sauce, how can ye no like sauce, ye need a sauce, a don't care wit kinda sauce ye get just don't have nae sauce

    I don't understand fussy eaters man and people who don't like sauce, how can you not like sauce, you need a sauce, I don't care what kind of sauce you get, just don't have no sauce.

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  • 20
    Text - Grace Lynch @gracelynch2114 My wee brother everyone Today I cannae really taste anything 14:53 Nevermind I forgot to put the flavouring in my noodles 14:57
  • 21
    Chin - Lynn Nothegger @Lynn_Nothegger ... Spent ages wondering who Wee Ken D could be. WEE KEN
  • 22
    Text - joe heenan @joeheenan There was a massive unflushed Jobby in the toilet. I asked my boys who did it & my 10yr old son said it was him. My 5yr old son is crying cause he says it was him & his big brother is taking the credit. Have a great week everyone! 8:35 · 23 Nov 20 · Twitter for Android >
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  • 23
    Text - Emma + ... Oot fae Friday tae Monday mornin no 1 wink a sleep, left a party fulla cunts sayin no chance a wis makin it, had tae prove them rang so went hame quick shower taxi doon (asked the driver if a looked Awrite - he lied) 0 tae work a 9-5 shift lasted the full day aswel

    Out from Friday 'til Monday morning without sleeping, left a party full of guys saying no chance I was making it, had to prove them wrong so went home, quick shower, taxi down (asked the driver if I looked okay - he lied) to work a 9-5 shift, lasted the full day as well.

  • 24
    Cuisine - Jim 5 @Barcajim3 It's St Andrews Day... A day for me to think of my homeland and the wonderful things it has given us.
  • 25
    Text - Ryan King @ryankingg Just seen a bird shoutin at her bairn to put his pants on then pointed at me sayin 'look the mans gonna steal ur willy'. Wtf no am no

    Just saw a woman shouting at her kid to put his underwear on, then pointed at me saying "look the man's gonna steal your willy." Wtf no I'm not.

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  • 26
    Organism - Jonny @jonnycardle Follow Fuck sake who would throw away a 4 pack a hedgehogs nd leave wan in it
  • 27
    Animation - deanoooo @naevaypal Ma sister paid to get a cake made like the happy go lucky cup and pot from beauty and the beast n they look like there ready to punch ma cunt in Happy3 Birthdan Darcy
  • 28
    Cheek - 1 hr She might a stuck a pair a scissors in ma heed, she might a stabbed me aboot 20 times wae a KD, she might a threw roastin hot pasta n sauce aw er me, she might a but me until a screemed n bled! But that's ma sister n family comes 1st. Love u ya fuckin trampy wee cow
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  • 29
    Nose - andrew 00 @scuttlingtaxis margaret thatcher announced her resignation 30 years ago today. to celebrate, here is a compilation of her crying 5:52 PM · Nov 22, 2020 · Twitter for iPhone
  • 30
    Colorfulness - DivšK @DivWilsonnn Anycunt hiring? 12:00 1 1 Snapchat 75 Text Message Yesterday 17:09 Brilliant Xmas video david Who's this Clue 1 l'm a celtic fan Today 00:32 A prick then Today 11:57 Clue 21 pay your wages.
  • 31
    Text - montyyyy @montyyy_x - Nov 1 Sleeping naked is all well and good until yer maw whips the covers off ye in the morning to wake u up and yer sitting wae yer dobber oot 17 226 1.2K ..•

    Sleeping naked is all well and good until your mom whips the covers off you in the morning to wake you up and you're sitting with your genitals out.

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  • 32
    Text - Text - X I @Boyle_67·2 d. Auld man came hame pished he went out at half 8 this morning to play golf, did ma auld dear scream an shout? Nope she put him straight to bed, an that's the sign of a good Catholic marriage if he's done anything wrong God will get him, she's watching masterchef an canny be arsed.

    Dad came home drunk after he went out 8:30 this morning to play golf, did my mom scream and shout? Nope, she put him straight to bed, and that's the sign of a good Catholic marriage. If he's done anything wrong, God will get him. She's watching MasterChef and can't be bothered.

  • 33
    Text - Asad Afghan @asadxafghan Tesco's giving away FREE meal deals if you can outrun security
  • 34
    Trousers - SHOP TO LET ISITO INT LUTT R 986


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