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Look, I hate motorcycles. There, I said it. The idea of launching myself into traffic while perched on a rocket with two wheels, no armor, and absolutely no cupholders is not my idea of fun. But that was before I saw the Doom: The Dark Ages Harley Davidson, and now I'm rethinking every life choice I've ever made.
Bethesda just teamed up with Harley to birth the most unholy union of gaming and gearhead culture imaginable: a one-of-a-kind Sportster S motorcycle, themed entirely around the upcoming Doom: The Dark Ages. It's got glowing red wheels that look like RGB fans, LED underlighting that mimics dragon wings, and a front dash themed after Serrat, the game's mechanized demon-dragon. The headlight literally sticks out of its gaping maw like it's about to fireball a Prius.
This isn't a bike. This is a boss battle on wheels.
And the fact that the armor plating, runes, and overall aesthetic were co-designed by artists at id Software? That's just showing off.
They even made a themed biker jacket and helmet to match. All black, spiked out, with a fluffy neck ruff and a visor that looks like Doomguy just rage-quit from Mad Max. Subtle? No. Necessary? Absolutely.
Of course, because the universe enjoys watching us suffer, only one of these bikes exists. And if you want a chance at riding it, you'll have to show up in person to the Doom: The Dark Ages launch event on May 16 in Sydney, Australia. That's right—Australia. Home of spiders the size of a Trite and now, apparently, the greatest PC gaming collab of all time.
Honestly, this is the most metal marketing stunt I've ever seen. And while I'll never ride it (because I am a deeply cautious introvert who fears gravel and traffic), I will sit here and stare at it like it's a sacred relic. Which, in the world of Doom, it kind of is.
So happy early release to Doom: The Dark Ages. I'll be ripping and tearing from the safety of my couch. Someone else can do it on a hellbike.